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“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.”

Erma Bombeck quotes (U.S. humorist, 1927-1996)

About: Funny quotes.

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“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”

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“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”

Will Shriner quotes (American Comedian, b.1953)

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Death and dying quotes.

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“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

Drew Carey quotes (American Comedian, b.1958)

Similar Quotes. About: Humor quotes, Funny quotes, Hate quotes, Jobs quotes.

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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

Emo Philips quotes

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Forgiveness quotes.

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“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

Erma Bombeck quotes (U.S. humorist, 1927-1996)

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes.

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“If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".”

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Advice quotes.

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“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

Robin Williams quotes (American actor)

Similar Quotes. About: Humor quotes, Funny quotes, God quotes, Comedy quotes.

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“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas”

Paula Poundstone quotes (American Comic, b.1959)

Similar Quotes. About: Children quotes, Funny quotes, Adulthood quotes, Ideas quotes.

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“Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes.

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“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.”

Lynda Montgomery quotes

Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Funny quotes.

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