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“Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.”

Denis Leary quotes (American Actor, b.1957)

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11-20 Quotations of 30

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“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.”

Bill Hicks quotes (American Comedian, b.1961)

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“You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU'RE PANTS!!!”

Denis Leary quotes (American Actor, b.1957)

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“Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspiren? I think I've got a cold."”

Denis Leary quotes (American Actor, b.1957)

Similar Quotes. About: Humor quotes.

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“Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Comedy quotes.

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“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”

Norman Cousins quotes (American Essayist and Editor, long associated with the Saturday Review. 1912-1990)

Similar Quotes. About: Life quotes, Death and dying quotes.

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“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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