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“I live to laugh, and I laugh to live”
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“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
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“If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.”
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“Committee--a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.”
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“Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.”
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“Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.”
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“A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living."”
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“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?”
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“The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.”
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“Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.”
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