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“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”

Woody Allen quotes (American Actor, Author, Screenwriter and Film Director, b.1935)

About: Funny quotes.

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31-40 Quotations of 712

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“An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be”

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Pessimism quotes, Optimism quotes.

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“I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'”

Woody Allen quotes (American Actor, Author, Screenwriter and Film Director, b.1935)

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“I knew my mother had it in for me from a young age. My bath toys were an electric toaster and hair-dryer.”

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“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'”

Charles M. Schulz quotes (American cartoonist, 1922-2000)
Character: Charlie Brown quotes. Book: Peanuts quotes

Similar Quotes. About: Humor quotes, Wisdom quotes, Funny quotes, Lies quotes, Questioning quotes.

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“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.”

Lynda Montgomery quotes

Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Funny quotes.

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“You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”

Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Youth quotes. For: T-Shirt quotes.

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“If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.”

George Gobal quotes

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Television quotes.

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“Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift"... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git.”

Alexai Sayle quotes

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, America and Americans quotes.

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“In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”

Woody Allen quotes (American Actor, Author, Screenwriter and Film Director, b.1935)

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“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.”

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