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“There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!”
Anesthesia Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
Str4wb3rry Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Comedy quotes.
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“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”
aja535s Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.”
Str4wb3rry Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Friends quotes, Comedy quotes, Laziness quotes.
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“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Racing quotes.
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