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“My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.”
Jeff Foxworthy quotes (American comedian, b.1958)

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“The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
Jeff Foxworthy quotes (American comedian, b.1958)
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“If you can't convince them, confuse them.”
Harry S Truman quotes (American 33rd President of the United States, 1884-1972)
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“I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.”
Janeane Garofalo quotes (American Actress and Comedian. b.1964 Newton, New Jersey, USA)
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“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”
Rodney Dangerfield quotes (American Comedian, 1921-2004)
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“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.”
Jeff Foxworthy quotes (American comedian, b.1958)
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“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Jack Handey quotes (American Comic Writer, Comedian and Actor on SNL. Famous for his Deep Thoughts, b.1949)
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“Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
santiz
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“Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift"... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git.”
Alexai Sayle quotes
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“I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.”
Jeff Foxworthy quotes (American comedian, b.1958)
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“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives”
Sue Murphy quotes
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