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“I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"”
Jay Leno quotes (American TV Host and Comedian, b.1950)
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“The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.”
Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)
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“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."”
Stephen Wright quotes (American Actor and Writer, b.1955)
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“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
Drew Carey quotes (American Comedian, b.1958)
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“If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".”

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“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”

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“Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”
Frank Sinatra quotes (American Actor and Singer, 1915-1998)
Similar Quotes. About: Drinking quotes, Funny quotes, Mankind quotes, Enemies quotes, Alcohol quotes.
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“Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"”
Annie Dillard quotes (American Author. Won a Pulitzer prize for Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, 1975. b.1945)
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“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”
Jenny0103 Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)
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“Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.”
Jenny0103 Bill Maher quotes (American Comedian, Actor, Writer and Producer. b.1956)
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“You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
Bob Hope quotes (English born American Actor and Comedian, 1903-2003)
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