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“I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"”
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“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”
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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
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“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
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“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
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“Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.”
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“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."”
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“I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.”
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“Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...”
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“My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.”
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“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.”
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