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“I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks.”
Emo Philips quotes

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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
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“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
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“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”
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“My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.”
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“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
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“My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.”
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“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
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“I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'”
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Similar Quotes. About: Adultery quotes.
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“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”
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“Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...”
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