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“I can't get the fuckin' trees, DAMN I will kill everyone in the world!”
qtl411 Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)

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“So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.”
Arco Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that…”
Arco Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.””
Arco Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“Did I leave the gas on? No! No, I'm a fuckin' squirrel!”
spiderswebb11uk Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"”
Hassle Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"”
maaatin Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you. That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.”
maaatin Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!”
Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!” “Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.””
Arco Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”
Arco Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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