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“Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has unveiled a new color-coded system to warn the public about different states of danger. Red is the highest state of alert, and it means that Dick Cheney is about to eat a mozzarella stick.”
Conan O'Brien quotes (American Television talk show host (Late Night) and Writer, b.1963)

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“The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.”
Conan O'Brien quotes (American Television talk show host (Late Night) and Writer, b.1963)
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“Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.”
Conan O'Brien quotes (American Television talk show host (Late Night) and Writer, b.1963)
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“If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.”
Conan O'Brien quotes (American Television talk show host (Late Night) and Writer, b.1963)
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“Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.”
Conan O'Brien quotes (American Television talk show host (Late Night) and Writer, b.1963)
Similar Quotes. About: Movies quotes.
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“Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.”
Conan O'Brien quotes (American Television talk show host (Late Night) and Writer, b.1963)
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“Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.”
Demono Conan O'Brien quotes (American Television talk show host (Late Night) and Writer, b.1963)
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“There's no cure for getting depressed. There's no cure for self-loathing or periods of it. But figure out enough about it so that when it happens, you can get over it and keep moving and just accomplish more.”
Luckee15 Conan O'Brien quotes (American Television talk show host (Late Night) and Writer, b.1963)
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“Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.”
Conan O'Brien quotes (American Television talk show host (Late Night) and Writer, b.1963)
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“Scientist announced a device that can be placed in a pacemaker and will call your doctor whenever you are having heart trouble. When told about it, Dick Cheney said, "I can't afford those kind of phone bills."”
Conan O'Brien quotes (American Television talk show host (Late Night) and Writer, b.1963)
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“Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.”
Conan O'Brien quotes (American Television talk show host (Late Night) and Writer, b.1963)
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