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“Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?”
Jay Leno quotes (American TV Host and Comedian, b.1950)

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“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.”
Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)
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“President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.”
Jay Leno quotes (American TV Host and Comedian, b.1950)
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“The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.”
Jenny0103 Jay Leno quotes (American TV Host and Comedian, b.1950)
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“Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back”

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“The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
Jeff Foxworthy quotes (American comedian, b.1958)
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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
Emo Philips quotes
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“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”

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