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“COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP”
maddenondxm Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?”
MrFrostie Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I'll just make a copy.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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