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“Charelton Heston and a monkey with a gun...Film at 11.”
AngelFire Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)

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“Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).”
AngelFire Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"”
maaatin Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!”
Arco Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?”
Arco Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then!"”
Arco Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that…”
Arco Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.”
Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“Never put a sock in a toaster.”
Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you. That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.”
maaatin Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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“I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die”
huntingyoudown Eddie Izzard quotes (British stand-up Comedian and Actor. b.1962)
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