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Emo Philips quotes

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."”

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    I Like this quote I dislike this quote“My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.”

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