Nearly every comedian has his own type of humour. Some of them like short, witty jokes, others prefer telling funny stories. Whatever their type of humour is like, hardly anyone can avoid laughing at their jokes...
Therefore enjoy your reading of funny quotes by the best comedians!
"I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone."
"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him."
Jack Handy quotes (American writer and cast member of Saturday Night Live from 1991-2003. Famous for his Deep Thoughts comedy sketches.)
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.'"
"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jenny0103
Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television actor and comedian, b.1954)
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
"People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine."
David Letterman quotes (American television host and comedian. He hosts "Late Night with David Letterman". b.1947)
About: Funny quotes, America and Americans quotes.
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."
Woody Allen quotes (American actor, author, screenwriter and film director, b.1935)
Tommy Cooper quotes
Jack Handy quotes (American writer and cast member of Saturday Night Live from 1991-2003. Famous for his Deep Thoughts comedy sketches.)
Brooke Shields quotes (American actress, b.1965)
Sue Murphy quotes